Leaving a Decade Behind

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
- Melody Beattie



In the spirit of all the Top 10 of the Decade lists, I've decided to end the year with a list of the top 10 experiences, moments, lessons, and things I'm thankful for from the past 10 years (in no particular order!):


1. I’ve been a social worker for all of the past decade, which is a little nuts. It's hard to believe that ten years ago I had just finished my first degree and was anxiously entering into the work world without a plan. Ten years later, I have a second social work degree (my masters) and a completely different career path - one I couldn't have even imagined for myself in 1999. Who knows what I'll be doing in 2019... and what degree I'll earn in the next decade!?! Being a social worker has been such gratifying, challenging, transformative, and fulfilling work. I feel blessed to have met such amazing people - co-workers, community partners, and people who access services alike - who have shared their wisdom, their lives, and their visions for our community.

2. We gained a daughter in the last decade and through her also gained a greater sense of "family" than I ever thought possible. We struggled to grow our family for eight of the past ten years, so the addition of Tyla to our family was a wonderful way to finish up the decade. Her arrival and her presence has lit up our world in so many, many ways.

3. I've loved and lost much over the past decade - I've said goodbye to both grandmas, a beloved dog, as well as several friends and colleagues; ended my first "real" relationship, lost a best friend (or two), and a work family; and welcomed a niece, a new love, a child, a new gaggle of co-workers and students, and many new friendships. I'm thankful that I've learned that “this too shall pass” is true of bad times, thank goodness, but also sometimes of good times. Learning to cope with change is apparently a life-long lesson that I will always have to struggle with.

4. I have had many roles over the past 10 years, including wife, partner, lover, and mother (a true over-achiever, I had four - that's right, four - wedding-like events in the past decade). I was part of a group of people who fought for our right to marry, and proudly walked down the aisle to be the first legally-married same-sex couple in Saskatchewan.

5. I have had many, many jobs (including "the AIDS lady", sex toy consultant, researcher, retail sales person, teacher, facilitator...), built a career (or two, or five...), published a thesis (finally!), and figured out that success is in the eye of the beholder.

6. I also figured out that I don’t find the actual achieving of my goals all that satisfying all by itself and that I will always find something else that looks better just a little bit further off in the distance, which has taught me that I better learn how to enjoy the journey because the destination is never going to be the point.

7. I came to accept, understand, and embrace my inner femme, interior designer, chef, and event planner, rather than fight against these aspects of myself and try to be the person I thought I was "supposed" to be. I've come to enjoy being a homebody, and have spent much of the past decade nesting in various ways. I can't see this changing in the coming decade, as I'm just finding my mama groove, so foresee many adventures in muffin baking, birthday planning, and backyard bar-b-queing.

8. This is big: after many years of inner (and outer) struggle, I made peace with my family. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did. There was a time when I couldn't imagine ever getting to the point where I wished my parents lived closed to me (or I to them), but I find myself longing for more time and more connection with my roots.

9. I struggled painfully with the loss of my identity as a crunchy, granola earthmama when I realized I was never going to birth a baby but then slowly grew to understand that life is more interesting (if not any easier) when we embrace paradox and learn to live with complication. I also appreciate the lesson in compassion even though it was hard and ugly going.

10. I started the decade in pretty rough physical shape - the arthritis I've battled since I was a child was in full flare-up mode and I was on some pretty serious meds that made me sick enough to lose my hair and take sick leave from work. Thankfully, I got better and spent much of the decade in pretty good health. Ironically, I'm leaving the decade in a very similar condition to 10 years ago, but the past decade has taught me that there are better times ahead, and that I can weather this storm and come out stronger and more appreciative for my mobility, wellness, and support network.

2009 has been quite the year, hasn't it?

Last week I began work on my family's annual holiday letter (some might call it a novella - it can has been known to exceed 6 pages!). It is always an interesting exercise to sit down and reflect on the past year, and compare last year's letter to this year's. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure that this year will win hands-down in the "biggest changes and milestones" category!

I was trying to figure out how to neatly post our letter here - it had photos, and I spent a fair amount of time messing around with desktop publishing software to make it look pretty - but ran into too many roadblocks. So... I'll give a recap, as most of what was in the letter is stuff that those of you who read the blog would already know, but some is from the "pre-Tyla" era and might be news to you.

For example, in addition to becoming new moms, we did some work on our yard and house, visited with family and friends, and did a bit of camping over the summer. In fact, we were camping with my family in Drumheller when we got "the call" that our first visit with Tyla had been arranged (the next day!).

We also celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on October 9 – time flies when you’re having fun, I guess!

Auntie Erin & Jake in Drumheller

Our niece, Brynn - always at the height of fashion!

Auntie Lisa & Brynn, tuckered out after a hard day renovating the trailer.

Lisa (Mom)
Lisa is still working at Vecima Networks, and she’s just been promoted to a Team Leader position in the surface-mount technology (SMT) department. Her employer offered staff the option of moving to a 4-day work week this past year, which is a nice perk – even if she does work overtime nearly every Friday. Lisa was able to enjoy a few short daytrips on her Harley this summer, and really enjoyed riding it to work most days. Now she’s started working on getting me to ride so we can go on the road together!

Erin (Mama)
I finally completed my Master’s degree in April (it was a long six years, especially for Lisa!), and was thrilled to accept a 1-year term faculty position beginning July 1. Lisa and my Mom were able to come to Regina to cheer as I crossed the stage to get my diploma, which was such a great moment. I taught my first university class (Contemporary Social Welfare Policy – sounds thrilling, eh?) at the College in Swift Current during spring term, and am teaching two field practice courses this term. I'm hopeful that my term with the faculty will be extended, which would be great – I love teaching, and feel so privileged to have a job that I enjoy so much. Now I just have to start convincing Lisa that it’s time to start my PhD!

Tyla
Tyla keeps busy with school, soccer, and hanging out with her new cousins (and grandma and grandpa, of course). She’s getting used to living in a city as she lived in a small town before she moved to Saskatoon. She loves to ride her bike, so really enjoyed the warm fall we had. She’s also a fan of dress up, spray parks, and entertaining mom and mama with her stories and rock star impersonations, listening to Beyonce, Pink, and Dolly Parton, and playing with her “brothers” and “sister” (our cats Buddy, Parker, and Missy).

As always, I am grateful for your friendship and support, and thankful you’ve taken the time to read up on our antics. I hope you have a happy holiday and a wonderful New Year!

Ok... it's been a long time.

Here's the bullet-point version of an update from our family, in no particular order:

• The biggest news: Two weeks ago, Tyla started calling us "Mom" (Lisa) and "Mommy" (me) AND telling us she loves us ALL IN THE SAME DAY. It was awesome - and funny - because she couldn't stop saying it, and would tell anyone who would listen (servers, salespeople, strangers in the mall) that she "loves her two moms".

• My name has been amended to "Mama", which Tyla thought might "fit me better". She's trying it out for a while - "because she can".
• It snowed. Briefly. Tyla loved it, and made snow angels in about 2 cm of snow. By the end of it, they were mud angels.

• Soccer is going well, but I'm still not really enjoying being a coach. In typical Erin fashion, I don't usually enjoy things that I don't feel really good at (okay, perfect at), and coaching soccer is one of those things.
• We went glow bowling last night. It was fun, and Tyla was fascinated with the blacklights - there was a constant flow of questions about how everything glowed, and why it glowed, and if it would still glow when we went home, and if it made people bowl better, and whether other bowling alleys glowed like this, and if other people had seen the glowing before...

• We've had a bout of head lice at our house. Not fun. Right now, Tyla is playing with her stuffed animals and is pretending to comb the lice out of their hair. Before that, they all had to be shampooed to get the bugs out. Too funny.
• We hosted our first play date, which was interesting. There was lots of dress up - mostly rock stars - and a climactic ending (read: two 6-year-olds not speaking).

• Tyla has discovered a love of cooking. One morning she proudly helped us make bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast. She's a real pro at cracking eggs now, and barely cracks any outside the bowl. This afternoon we're going to make banana chocolate chip muffins, and she's very curious about how the "rotten" bananas can make good muffins. She also likes to clean on occasion (and would likely do so more often if it was for money!).

• School is going well, too. We made a crazy hat for "Wacky Hat Day". Tyla had a part in the Remembrance Day assembly, but unfortunately neither of us could be there because we were at work. Her line was, "Peace is playing with my friends", and she was very proud that she said it perfectly. She's only been to the principal's office once so far. She's starting to read, and gets giddy when she figures out a word. Last night when we were reading together she kept exclaiming, "How did I figure that out? That's CRAZY!" every time she got a word right.

• I picked up my thesis from the printer this week (yay, grad school is officially done!). When Lisa explained to Tyla that Mama had written a book, she was fascinated. When she actually looked at my "book", she thought it looked pretty boring... until she saw the "pictures" (my thesis has a couple of models in it). However, she figured that it must be a hassle for me to always look through hundreds of pages to find the pictures (which she decided must be "very important"), so she took it upon herself to draw the main model with brightly coloured crayon for me - complete with big words (dehumanizing, self, society, supports). She said it I should stick it up in my office so that I don't have to search through my book so much. Everyone at work thought that was just about the cutest thing ever.
• Tyla had a good Halloween. We carved pumpkins with Auntie Jo & Jake. She was a pirate for her school party, and then was 2 different princesses when we went out trick or treating. Since then, she's proven that she can be pretty stealth when it comes to sneaking into the cupboards in the wee hours of the morning to get candy. The other day, she'd consumed an entire package of Hubba Bubba before I got up at 7am - and I didn't hear a thing! Needless to say, the candy has been moved to progressively more remote hiding places... but she seems quite committed to finding it, no matter where we stash it. Hiding Christmas presents ought to be interesting...

That's about it for now. We're looking forward to the next few weeks, as it will bring lots of new experiences and interesting moments!

5 years (already? only?)

Today is Lisa & I's 5th wedding anniversary (well, the first one anyway - we had 2 weddings, but consider this our "real" anniversary).

In many ways, it's hard to believe it's already been 5 years - some of my memories of our wedding day are so crisp, clear, and accessible in my memory that I can't quite process the passage of so much time. In other ways, I'm stunned when I realize that we haven't even been together for a decade yet (8 years in December). It seems that we've grown so much, accomplished so much, changed so much. How could all of that happen in such a short stretch of time?

Tyla's arrival has only cemented the surreal-ness of this milestone anniversary. I remember thinking about our future family as I got ready on our wedding day. I wondered when, and how, we would have kids. I wondered where we would live, what they'd be like, how Lisa & I would be as parents. Now I have answers to all of those questions. This past year has been a tough one for our family. Not that anything "bad" has really happened; it's just been marked by huge changes, extreme excitement, intense challenges. It's been one big roller coaster, and it seems that there are more roller coaster rides ahead.

So, on our anniversary, I pledge to myself (and to my family) to not struggle against this roller coaster so much, and not spend so much time and energy trying to flatten out the highs and lows (yes, I am a control freak). I promise to do my best to sit back and enjoy the ride. After all, it won't be ending any time soon.

It's already our 5th anniversary. It's only our 5th anniversary. No matter how you look at it, one thing remains the same: I love Lisa as much today as I did 1,825 days ago. In fact, I love her more.

Six weeks late... better than never, right?

It's hard to believe it's already Thanksgiving, the leaves are falling (not that we can see them now that they're covered in snow), and I'm getting ready for midterm reviews of my practicum students! Time really does fly when you're having "fun"!

I thought I'd dedicate a post (or two) to the pics I've been unable to share due to our missing camera... now that it's been found (thanks again, Lisa), I can share some of the stories from our first few weeks of school.

The first pre-back-to-school highlight was the arrival of "Cuddles", Tyla's first Build-A-Bear friend. The creation of Cuddles was made possible by our dear family friends who gave Tyla a gift card for Build-A-Bear as an adoption gift (thanks, Gavin, Harriet, GW, Danelle, Aynsley, & Aaron!). It was a big day - going to the mall, picking out a bear (Pink and orange tie-dyed? You bet!), giving it a beating heart (Tyla kept telling people it was a "real bear because it has a real heart"), and making a wish before it was all stitched up. Then we had to choose clothes: Hello Kitty PJ's & slippers and a Hello Kitty purse. Thanks to Auntie Jo, Cuddles also has skinny jeans, a funky t-shirt, and bejewelled Crocs. Here is Cuddles on her first night in our house:


That brings us to the first day of school - a highly anticipated day for everyone in our household! Way back in June, before we had even met Tyla, we had made arrangements with our nephew Jake's school to have Tyla attend school there. Even though the school is across the city, it is very diverse, has a great before and after school program, seems very big on inclusion, and (most importantly) cousin Jake goes there!

When we arrived at the school on registration day, we encountered a bit of a snag: after we had found Tyla's classroom, met her teacher, chosen a desk, and introduced ourselves to a friend, we were informed by the principal that the school was overcrowded and Tyla wouldn't likely be able to stay at the school because we live out of area. I didn't have the heart to tell Tyla & Jake (he went with us to registration) at first, so opted to hide upstairs in our bedroom and sob on the phone to Lisa. I felt like such a terrible mom! This is Tyla in her Grade 1 classroom, Version 1.0:


So... we called around to other schools, polled friends on Facebook, and finally chose another school that we felt comfortable with. We called, found out they had room in their Grade 1 class, and headed over to meet the teacher. On the way there, we explained to Tyla & Jake what had happened, and that this would be Tyla's new school. We arrived at the front desk, only to be told that there was no room at the school and Tyla wouldn't be able to stay there, either! On the way to the car, Tyla asked me, "Does this mean I don't get a school in Saskatoon?" Now I felt like an even worse mom!!

Off we went to our neighbourhood school. We were very warmly greeted by the staff there, who enthusiastically gave us a tour and helped us fill out our THIRD set of school registration forms. The only downside of this school was that there's no before and after school program, which caused us much stress. The upside? Tyla's in a class of 18, with 3 staff (a teacher, an intern, and an EA), with lots of kids from diverse families, cultures, etc. Here is Tyla (with Cuddles & Ducky) on her first day of school (take 2):



The rest of September went by in a blur. There was the back-to-school breakfast, a meet-the-teacher dinner (a full turkey dinner served by the school staff!), soccer registration, her first trips to grandma & grandpa's farm, cousin Brynn's 2nd birthday party, and a road trip to Regina to see the doctor.

We eventually lucked out and found a babysitter who lives in the neighbourhood - and the school even has a bus that takes Tyla directly there after school! Tyla seems to like it there, even though she's the oldest kid. I think she likes being the "big kid".

Tyla has also made herself a gaggle of friends - there are 5 girls who hang out together, giggling and carrying on through recess, on the bus, and - hopefully soon - playdates and sleepovers.

We capped off the first weeks of school with a trip to Swift Current for the wedding of a family friend. Tyla & Jake had been asked to sit at the guest book, which Tyla got very excited about. We weren't sure how it would go when we actually got to the wedding and started to meet lots of new people (including the family from Alberta - her and cousin Kenna hit it off!), but it went very well. Tyla loved her "job", took it very seriously, and exclaimed, "I love working here!". We even had to take the chair away from the table later in the night because she insisted in sitting alone by the guest book, just to keep an eye on it.


Another highlight of the night was dancing with Jake & Grandma - I'm sure Grandma had to take quite the breather after a few rounds of the dance floor with Tyla:


That's about it for this chapter in my "catch up" post... I'll add more soon (there is much, much more to share)!

News is good...

Good news #1. Lisa found the camera, and just in time - my insanity was becoming pretty deeply rooted, and I'm pretty sure I was mere moments away from going over the edge. I'll post pics soon.

Good news #2. Tyla loved being in our friend Becky's wedding last weekend (she sat at the guest book with her cousin, Jake), and exclaimed, "I love working here!". We had to take the chairs away from the table to get her to sit with us at the dance - she didn't want Becky to think she wasn't taking her job seriously.

Good news #3. Tyla got over her shyness and hit it off with our extended family on the weekend. For future reference, it's way easier to get used to new people when there's a hotel pool to play in.

Good news #4. I put my back out less than 2 hours before our team's first soccer practice yesterday, but still managed to get there in one piece and without shedding tears.

Good news #5. I survived my first soccer practice as coach, and picked up an assistant coach along the way.

Good news #6. We don't have soccer practice again for 2 weeks.

Good news #7. I didn't lose my cool when I discovered Tyla's "writing" all over her bed room walls (and closet, and ceiling, and trim...) right after last night's soccer practice.

Good news #8. Magic erasers really are magic, as Tyla will learn today after school when she gets to scrub the walls in her room.

Good news #9. It's Tuesday. Only 3 more sleeps until Friday. (I now measure my life in "sleeps".)

Good news #10. I found 9 other things to call "good news". Things are looking up. (I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to come up with any last night...)

Our First Family Photo Shoot

Family pictures are funny things... they can look contrived, posed, and formal, or they can look casual, natural, and in the moment. We are very fortunate to have a dear friend who is a master of the art of the latter type of photography, and even more fortunate to have had her take our family's first "official" photographs.

When your family is emerging, developing, and still creating itself - like ours so clearly is - the notion of "family" pictures can be difficult. I wondered if Tyla, who might not feel like we're her family yet, would be okay with a stranger photographing our family. There were a few awkward moments ("Can you say 'Mom has stinky feet'?", followed by silence and confusion, as she hasn't called either of us "mom" yet). But on the whole, Rona made us feel comfortable and kept things fun. Even though the evening began with resistance to the whole idea of being photographed, it ended with smiles and giggles and lots of chatter - which is Tyla's way of telling us she's doing okay.

All photos by the amazing Rona Andreas (http://ronaandreas.blogspot.com/).

It's been a while...

I've been absent from the blogging world for a few weeks now. Life is insane. School is insane. Work is insane. I am insane.

I'd post pictures, but I've misplaced our camera (and yes, it had Tyla's first day of school photos on it - and no, I hadn't downloaded them yet). I'd write something interesting, but I've misplaced my brain. It appears to be on essential services mode - only essential information is getting in or out, and not much information seems to be sticking around. My brain has turned to mush.

Hopefully I'll be able to write more soon. There is so much to write about - Tyla's first day of school adventure and how it took 3 schools before we found one she could attend; her first attempt at riding the bus that nearly sent Lisa over the bend; how I'm now the coach of her soccer team, even though I've never played soccer in my life; and how a 6-year-old responds to all of the Britney Spears music mysteriously "disappearing" from her mp3 player.

For now, this is all I've got in me. We'll talk soon.

The little things...

It's funny how the reality of being a mother creeps up on me sometimes. Even though our transition to motherhood happened very slowly in some ways (over 7 years from start to "finish"), it also happened very quickly (less than 2 months from the day we were match with Tyla to when she moved in with us) in others. That said, the fact that I am now a real, live, stressed out, sleep deprived, nervous mom has been slow to sink in.

This weekend, I found myself taking note of the things that are different in our lives now (I bought a "mom calendar" - never would have done that before). For example, before we became moms, we could quite contentedly sleep in a little bit on weekends, then sit around all morning in our PJ's, drinking coffee and watching reruns of lame 90's sitcoms. Now, we sit around for a bit in our PJ's, drinking coffee (usually cold by the time it's consumed - now I understand why my mom's always reheating her coffee!) and watching really strange "modern" cartoons, colouring pictures of Lightning McQueen, and reminding our daughter to eat her breakfast.


This part of the day does not last long. We are quickly whisked into "high-speed mom mode": making lunch (Didn't we just eat breakfast? Can't we go back to eating brunch at 1:00pm on weekends?), doing laundry (the favourite pyjamas, must-have leggings, and cutest t-shirt must be available for school, of course!), buying groceries... with lots of snacks (we should buy stock in whichever company makes Goldfish Crackers, as well as a cucumber farm), organizing sports schedules, and supervising room cleanings.

Tyla starts school tomorrow. I think that when I walk into the school with Tyla tomorrow morning the reality of my new parental role will really begin to hit me. You see, Tyla will be starting Grade 1 in the same school (cousin) Jake has attended for the past several years... the same school where I've wept through holiday concerts, sporting events, special assemblies, and family BBQs. When my yearning to be a mother was at its peak, just setting foot in the place was guaranteed to get the waterworks going. I would sit there, imagining what it would be like to cheer on my own child, or beam with pride as my kid came on stage, and it would bring me to tears (not just the misty-eyed variety, but serious weeping).

I'm sure there will be a few tears tomorrow (for me, probably not Tyla). In many ways, I had come to believe that the day I would take my own child to school would never come. And now, here it is. Tomorrow, I will probably be the mom in the corner attempting to stifle a sob. But through all the tears, I will be a MOM. Wow.

Fair play

This past week has been a(nother) roller coaster. We've weathered battles over eating dinner, discovered Tyla's love of "going visiting", celebrated her "bonus" birthday with family and friends, and spent countless hours colouring (Tinkerbell is my new speciality), blowing bubbles, and drawing with sidewalk chalk.

The highlight of the week? Tyla's introduction to "The Cars Game" on PlayStation. To set the stage, Tyla's got a strong competitive spirit (to put it lightly), can't quite read, and is pretty convinced she knows a lot about most things. I have always been thoroughly incompetent when it comes to gaming (back in the day, I sucked at Super Mario and would only play Duck Hunt -those of you who are from the Nintendo 64 era will understand what this means), and really, really hate it when I'm not good at something. In fact, being inadequate or unskilled just makes me want to quit or cry. This week, while playing video games with my 6-year-old daughter, I did both.

I have lofty goals of teaching Tyla about sportsmanship, fair play, and trying your best. I hope she will understand that it's not always about winning, excelling, or only doing things you're good at - there's joy and value to be found in stepping outside your comfort zone. However, evidently this utopian vision only applies when I'm not being mocked by a sassy child who loves to taunt me with repeated choruses of, "na na na na na na, I just beat you!". I threw down my controller and gave up... then spent the better part of the week feeling guilty for being such an awful role model and trying to wrap my head around the realization that, in this department, I haven't changed much since I was Tyla's age.

What did I do with this newly gained insight? I decided to bake Tyla's Tinkerbell birthday cake myself - knowing full well that my baking skills were hit and miss and my finishing work was far from perfect. I cobbled together a cake that was a loose interpretation the picture-perfect cake we'd seen at the grocery store, and held my breath when Tyla saw it for the first time. In the pit of my stomach, I feared she'd hate it. I worried that she'd point out all of the ways it didn't look like the grocery store cake. I feared this would be yet another facet of parenting that I was woefully inadequate at (because mastering PlayStation games is an essential parenting skill, you know).

When the cake was revealed to her, Tyla didn't critique it. She didn't gush with excitement, either (that's not really her style). She looked at it, nodded, and said, "It's nice. I like it. I want a piece with green icing."

I'll love you forever...

Today was a really, really great day with lots of firsts. She "accidentally" called me mom (it was the second time she'd done this, but this time she didn't correct herself with a hasty, "I mean... Erin") when we were on the way home from visiting Auntie Bernie & Uncle Tom. She let me cuddle her when she was shivering after her VERY long but VERY fun bath that revolved around improvised tub toys that she thought were fantastic (thank goodness for the recycling bin!). She started saying one of the things I say to her all the time: "Sounds like a plan." She didn't scream when I helped her get out of the tub and saw a bit of flesh. She asked me to read her some stories before bed. One of the stories I read was "I'll Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch (her choice), and cried at the part where the great big boy's mom is old and sick and he sings to her (although less than I'd thought I might).

I've been waiting a very, very long time to fight back the tears when I read that story to my child.

I'll love you forever.

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.

Now if I can only get through "Goodnight Moon"...

I'm so tired I feel like crying sometimes.

The past few days have been challenging. Not that Tyla's been challenging at all, it's just been challenging trying to work through emotional exhaustion, mental exhaustion, what seems like endless rainy weather, and just plain old physical exhaustion. Even in this short amount of time, I feel I can relate to the inclination to completely let yourself go, live in baggy sweats, forego showering, watch Treehouse with reckless abandon, and sustain yourself with the bits left on your child's half-eaten plate. If I were to keep this up for too long, I'm quite certain I'd be a prime candidate for What Not to Wear, The Biggest Loser, & Dr. Phil all at the same time (I might be already, but now I'm REALLY feeling it).

We've done lots of things - gone to 3 different parks, gone swimming in the "pond", met new people & pets, picked vegetables from our garden, watered flowers, planned her garden plot, learned about composting, went on bike rides, played games, created games, organized toys, tried to figure out what makes the cats tick, watched movies, tried new foods, read stories, created stories, played dress up, had long baths (Tyla, not me... unfortunately), learned about Dorothy (Tyla's little sister/doll, who was also adopted last week, we were informed), listened to Beyonce & Pink & Alvin and the Chipmunks (plus a little Dolly Parton & Johnny Cash, thank god) on her new mp3 player, worked on her numerous "collections" of leaves, twigs, flowers, feathers, grasses, etc., laughed lots, worked through the lonelies, and figured out what to do when it rains for 2 days straight.

We also found the cord for the camera (a highlight for sure)! Here are pictures of some of our adventures so far:

It's official!

We're moms (or Mom (Erin) & Mommy (Lisa), according to Tyla - although she doesn't call us by these titles yet, she's informed us of her plans ;-)!!! Tyla has officially been placed with us, which means that her adoption is as official as it can be at this point. Today was a great day... and we can't wait for many, many more!

Tomorrow is the big day!

Even though tomorrow is the official placement day, today was a pretty big day, too. Tyla & I hung out all day, and it was weird... but good weird. I felt noticeably mom-ish.

We went to the park and had a picnic lunch, then went swimming (in the "pond" as Tyla likes to call the paddling pool at Kinsmen Park), played on the play structure, and got some groceries. At the park, there were several instances of other parents referring to "your daughter" or kids commenting to Tyla about "your mom". Other than my flushed cheeks and eyes welling up, it didn't seem as awkward a moment as I'd thought it might. It was good. Really, really good.

As I sat back on the grass and watched Tyla go down the water slide (I was on babysitting duty for Dorothy, Tyla's doll - who is her "little sister" who is also being adopted right now... they're a package deal), it hit me that finally I wasn't there with my niece, nephew, friend's child, or some other kid. I was there with OUR kid! (Tyla proudly refers to herself as "your kid" as in, "If I get sick you'll just have to tell your boss that you have to go home because your kid is sick".) Wow.

I did take a few pics today - mostly of Tyla trying out her new stash of glittery, pink, princessy dress up clothes (thanks to the Anderson & Andreas families - a great gift!), but can't seem to find the cord for the camera to upload them.

And so it begins... my organized yet chaotic life has been thrown for a very big loop!

She's here...

It's nearly midnight. Right now, I am downstairs on the couch playing Farkle while the other 2/3 of our family snores away upstairs.

Upstairs... which has changed dramatically since 6:00 this evening. Upstairs... where there's a sign on a door that emphatically states "Tyla's Room", with a precocious looking Tinkerbell on it. Upstairs... where I listen for every little sound, wondering if she's doing okay so far, if she's having nightmares, if she's really sleeping at all. Upstairs... where our new life is.

Tonight was different. Tyla was different, and so were we. We all knew that this wasn't a sleepover, it was something more. When she arrived, her foster parents brought in all of her clothes and toys, so there is nothing more to move in. She's here. For good.

Tonight, Tyla was more reserved, withdrawn, edgy. I was, too. I disappeared to the kitchen to make her something for supper, which she didn't eat. Thank the goddess for Lisa's ability to just play and make things fun - cut through all the anxiety and tension and get to the fun stuff. I, of course, was more worried about unpacking and organizing and list-making. Where should this go? What makes the most sense? Where does she want things put? What do we need? When should we start building an addition?

By bedtime, we had found some sort of balance amid all the chaos and weirdness. We played Chutes & Ladders (her favourite game), then watched all of 10 minutes of Coraline before she fell asleep in her chair.

Here's hoping we continue to find that elusive balance as we continue meandering through this journey. With 2 social workers coming to visit in the morning, that will definitely be a challenge.

In less than 48 hours, I become a mom.

Talking on the phone with a 5 (now 6) year old is interesting. We've been lucky enough to talk with Tyla several times over the past week, hearing all about her birthday party at her foster home, what gifts she got (lots!), and how many sleeps until she moves to Saskatoon (1!). Our conversations were often punctuated with "just a second, I've got to go talk to my brother/find that toy/see where the movie is at/do something", which left us on the other end of the phone, waiting for her to come back. The waiting theme continues...

Tonight, Tyla will be back at our house for a "sleepover" - the first of two consecutive nights that will lead up to her official "placement" with us on Thursday (as long as all goes well and she's ready). It's odd having such a strange progression to becoming a parent. Right now, we don't feel like Tyla's parents (yet) - we're more like neat family friends she likes to hang out with. But, in a few short hours, we will be moms. Her moms.

It's like we're pregnant and Thursday's our due date... but we didn't have nine whole months to try and wrap our heads around the idea of being parents. Lately I've found myself thinking a lot about how much things are going to change for Lisa and I. Like how tonight is the last night it will be "just us". Like how this last week was the last time we'll go to the fair as a childless couple who can get soaking wet, freezing cold, and just shiver our way through endless grown up activities like chuckwagon races and Blue Rodeo concerts. Like how much fun family get togethers will be when we have our own child to photograph, cheer on, feed, and supervise.

I will be off work from tomorrow (Wednesday) until Tyla starts school full time on September 1. I can't wait to be a full time parent, even if it is only for a few weeks. The Martha in me has been kicked into high gear, so I'm looking forward to baking, crafting, many adventures, and one fabulous "bonus" birthday party.

This week I become a mom. Am I excited? Yes. Am I ready? No. Am I hyperventilating as I write this? You bet.

Getting Caught Up...

Many people reading this will know all about our journey to become parents, but in case you don't know the whole story I thought I'd start there.

Lisa & I met in 2001, when I was trying my hand at being single. After a rocky start, we started dating just before Christmas that year. It didn't take us long to start talking about having kids, and by the following summer I was trying to get pregnant. The whole pregnancy thing was quite the ride - thanks to some wonderful friends, we tried known donor insemination, we tried working with the fertility clinic, then with another doctor. A couple of times, we were certain I was pregnant. Bottom line is, it just wasn't happening for us.

Skip ahead to the summer of 2007. I was at a community event when I got a call from a friend about a social worker in another community who was working with a woman who was pregnant but not likely to be able to parent. She was wondering if we'd be interested in adopting the baby. After considering it for about a second, we said yes and jumped into the land of adoption without really knowing what we were in for.

That adoption didn't pan out, but it did get us talking about other options for having a family. That July, we applied to adopt through our local social services office. We were told there would be a wait - probably a long one. In August, 2008, we received a letter saying we'd been released for our home study. We were excited. We weren't getting any younger, you know!

We met with our adoption worker, we took 9 weeks of parenting classes (a program called PRIDE, ironically), we deliberated about the type of child we wanted (in adoption lingo, our "range of acceptance", which includes age, gender, and culture along with every possible issue, behaviour, health condition, history you could imagine) and we waited. Our home study report was completed on March 6, 2009. We waited some more.

On June 15 we got THE CALL. We'd been matched with a 5-year-old girl. We went into the social services office to review her profile, and it seemed she was perfect for us. She likes playing dress up, swimming, fishing, camping, and joking around. She loves movies. She liked school, and did well in Kindergarten. She's not a picky eater. She's healthy and developing well. And, if all those things didn't "get" us, she's absolutely adorable.

Her name is Tyla.

We wanted to meet her. Right away.

We waited some more.

On July 24, we finally got to meet Tyla at a park in Regina. We were nervous. What if she ran away screaming when she saw us? What if she didn't like the idea of having 2 moms? What if her foster parents didn't like us?

Well, all of our fears were unfounded. We met Tyla, her foster parents, and her worker, and it went better than we ever could have imagined. She loves playgrounds, so showed us around her favourite play structures (she likes slides and climbing on things, but isn't so fond of swings) and then got us involved in some very elaborate games she'd created. She seemed to have fun, especially when she created a "hotel" where we each had our own room - she was the manager and would bring us room service, pyjamas, slippers, and let us stay up as late as we wanted to! She loves to collect leaves, sticks, feathers, and the like, so we came home with piles of souvenirs from our first meeting, as well as our very first family picture:

Since then, we've met with Tyla as much as we can. We've spent a lot of time at playgrounds, which she loves. She's told Lisa & I that she's going to "get us into shape". I hope she's right!

We've done lots of exploring, and collecting, and playing. We can't wait to do more, more, more.

We had our first sleepover, which was a grand success. We played Chutes & Ladders, hung out with the cats, and watched the movie Cars, which is her current favourite (she always cracks up at Tow Mater!). By the end of the movie, she had moved from her own chair to snuggle in between Lisa and I on the couch. At that moment, my "mom heart" dropped into my chest. It was amazing. In the morning, we all went to the Park Cafe for her first breakfast (of many) at our favourite weekend brunch joint. She's my perfect fruit cup companion - all of the things I don't eat in my brunch fruit cup (cataloupe? honeydew? gross!), she loved and polished off gladly. It was heaven.

This week we haven't seen Tyla at all. We miss her. Last night she called and left us a message to say goodnight. I cried.

Her birthday is this weekend, and we can't get down to see her or be at the party her foster family is having. We've promised that, when she comes to live with us, we'll have a second birthday party and it will be fabulous. She seemed okay with that - I think most kids are okay with having two birthday parties!

She's coming back to see us next week - there will be more sleepovers and then, if we're all ready, she will move in near the end of the week.

A week from now, we will be parents. My stomach just flipped as I wrote that.