Goodbye...

On April 1, Tyla returned to foster care. It was one of the most difficult days I've ever had to get through, but not nearly as difficult as the weeks leading up to her departure.

You see, Tyla is a complex kid with equally complex needs. To protect her privacy, I won't go into great detail about it here, but the bottom line is that she had needs that Lisa & I couldn't meet, and challenges that were growing bigger rather than becoming more manageable. Compounding these challenges was the reality that there was a significant amount of information about Tyla's background that we were not made aware of when we were matched with her, and we were receiving very little (if any) support from Social Services in the months following her placement.

Making the decision to return Tyla to foster care was the most difficult and heart-breaking decision either of us has ever had to make. Thankfully, when the dust settled Tyla's former foster family agreed to welcome her back into their home. We hope this made the process of leaving our home easier for Tyla, although she did write us a lengthy letter to make sure we knew that she'd miss us, our house, and our cats.

In return, we wrote a letter to Tyla. As a last goodbye, I will share it with you.


Dear Tyla,

Even though you haven't left our house yet, we already miss you, and so do the cats! Things just won't be the same without you around here when you're gone. We both hope you're really happy at your new home, and have lots of fun with your brothers and sister (and the dogs, too!).

Before you go, we wanted to tell you some of the awesome memories we have of you. You're an amazing kid, and we wish you the very best in life.

1. You're fun, goofy, and good at making us laugh.

2. You are a great cousin and friend.
3. You're tough, and can get through really hard things - yet still be a fun and nice person to be around.
4. You give great hugs.
5. You love stories and reading, and are turning out to be a very good reader.

6. Your little notes always made our day.
7. You were a great sister to Buddy, Parker, and Missy, and they will miss you a lot.
8. You love being outside, and we learned lots about parks, fishing, and our neighbourhood from you.
9. Your love of dancing made us smile. One of our favourite pictures of you is when you were dancing with your new maraca in front of the Christmas tree, and Grandma loved dancing with you at Becky's wedding last fall.
10. You are an all-round fantastic and special person. Don't forget that.

We both love you so much, and will miss you lots and lots. We hope you find fun, joy, laughter, dancing, and lots of great adventures in your life. You will always be a part of our family.

Hugs and kisses,
Mom & Mama

Tyla's Vision of the Future

Tonight, out of the blue, Tyla started talking about "when she's a grown up". What started as a routine round of sticking it to her moms ("When I'm a grown up, I can do whatever I want to.") transformed into an interesting take on how Tyla views her adult life.

Included in her vision was the idea that maybe she could live in one of the houses next to ours (only if one of our neighbours dies, of course), so that she could come for visits in her pyjamas (just in case it gets late and she wants a sleepover) and call me up to go shopping together (she'll write the grocery lists and carry the shopping bags in from the car). She especially liked the idea of being able to choose between her room and grandma's room (aka the spare bedroom) when she sleeps over, and the idea that she could bring Dorothy with her when she comes for lunch or coffee (now her dolly, she'd then be her roommate).

She's also looking forward to sharing a garden ("less work, more vegetables"), recycling yogurt containers (not sure about recycling other things, but she's really committed to taking care of those yogurt containers!), choosing picture frames for her favourite photos, and asking our cat, Missy, if she'd like to move next door with her. Of course this means making important decisions, such as where to buy cat food from, if we can loan her some cat treats, and if we could buy cat toys if she doesn't have enough money left. She's promised us that we'll get regular visits with Missy in return for our generosity.

In fact, right now she's working on a "contract" that includes a picture of how close our houses will be, where her car will be parked (our car is nowhere to be seen, so maybe she's already had our licenses revoked), when we get to see Missy and for how long, what we are to feed Dorothy if she ever comes over unaccompanied (hot dogs with no bun), that we need to promise to use a booster seat whenever Dorothy goes in the car, and what she can and can't play with (yes to the big blocks, no to Lego - she's eaten it before, which evidently caused some pretty severe problems). She's very concerned with making two copies of this important document, so that we can each have a signed copy (which includes a picture of each of us next to our signature, so she can make sure we are who we say we are) to keep until she moves out.

How does this coversation end (for now)? With a clear and emphatic, "Did you know I'm super excited to move out of here, Mama? I just can't wait!" Some days, I feel exactly the same way...

My 2009 in Facebook status updates...

I did this on a whim (oh, what I've managed to have time for over the last few lazy days of vacation!), not thinking much of it. However, when I actually took the time to read over it closely I thought the range of topics in the few status updates that made the summary to be quite fascinating... kind of sums up my year!

Holiday Pics

Nothing introspective, witty, or insighful today... just straight up holiday pictures of Tyla and the fam. Hope you enjoy 'em!

At the Santa Claus Parade.

Hangin' out under the tree with Parker.

Bustin' a groove with her new maracas (brought by Gramma from Mexico) before the big Holiday Concert.

Christmas morning smiles!

Trying out her new Tag reading system.

Skating with Mama, Gramma, and cousin Jake.

Saying goodbye to Lucy before leaving her foster parents' house.

The cats have already laid claim to her new Lightning McQueen chair/bed!

Trying out the Wii (which we've actually had since July, but just set up on New Year's Day!).

Leaving a Decade Behind

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
- Melody Beattie



In the spirit of all the Top 10 of the Decade lists, I've decided to end the year with a list of the top 10 experiences, moments, lessons, and things I'm thankful for from the past 10 years (in no particular order!):


1. I’ve been a social worker for all of the past decade, which is a little nuts. It's hard to believe that ten years ago I had just finished my first degree and was anxiously entering into the work world without a plan. Ten years later, I have a second social work degree (my masters) and a completely different career path - one I couldn't have even imagined for myself in 1999. Who knows what I'll be doing in 2019... and what degree I'll earn in the next decade!?! Being a social worker has been such gratifying, challenging, transformative, and fulfilling work. I feel blessed to have met such amazing people - co-workers, community partners, and people who access services alike - who have shared their wisdom, their lives, and their visions for our community.

2. We gained a daughter in the last decade and through her also gained a greater sense of "family" than I ever thought possible. We struggled to grow our family for eight of the past ten years, so the addition of Tyla to our family was a wonderful way to finish up the decade. Her arrival and her presence has lit up our world in so many, many ways.

3. I've loved and lost much over the past decade - I've said goodbye to both grandmas, a beloved dog, as well as several friends and colleagues; ended my first "real" relationship, lost a best friend (or two), and a work family; and welcomed a niece, a new love, a child, a new gaggle of co-workers and students, and many new friendships. I'm thankful that I've learned that “this too shall pass” is true of bad times, thank goodness, but also sometimes of good times. Learning to cope with change is apparently a life-long lesson that I will always have to struggle with.

4. I have had many roles over the past 10 years, including wife, partner, lover, and mother (a true over-achiever, I had four - that's right, four - wedding-like events in the past decade). I was part of a group of people who fought for our right to marry, and proudly walked down the aisle to be the first legally-married same-sex couple in Saskatchewan.

5. I have had many, many jobs (including "the AIDS lady", sex toy consultant, researcher, retail sales person, teacher, facilitator...), built a career (or two, or five...), published a thesis (finally!), and figured out that success is in the eye of the beholder.

6. I also figured out that I don’t find the actual achieving of my goals all that satisfying all by itself and that I will always find something else that looks better just a little bit further off in the distance, which has taught me that I better learn how to enjoy the journey because the destination is never going to be the point.

7. I came to accept, understand, and embrace my inner femme, interior designer, chef, and event planner, rather than fight against these aspects of myself and try to be the person I thought I was "supposed" to be. I've come to enjoy being a homebody, and have spent much of the past decade nesting in various ways. I can't see this changing in the coming decade, as I'm just finding my mama groove, so foresee many adventures in muffin baking, birthday planning, and backyard bar-b-queing.

8. This is big: after many years of inner (and outer) struggle, I made peace with my family. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did. There was a time when I couldn't imagine ever getting to the point where I wished my parents lived closed to me (or I to them), but I find myself longing for more time and more connection with my roots.

9. I struggled painfully with the loss of my identity as a crunchy, granola earthmama when I realized I was never going to birth a baby but then slowly grew to understand that life is more interesting (if not any easier) when we embrace paradox and learn to live with complication. I also appreciate the lesson in compassion even though it was hard and ugly going.

10. I started the decade in pretty rough physical shape - the arthritis I've battled since I was a child was in full flare-up mode and I was on some pretty serious meds that made me sick enough to lose my hair and take sick leave from work. Thankfully, I got better and spent much of the decade in pretty good health. Ironically, I'm leaving the decade in a very similar condition to 10 years ago, but the past decade has taught me that there are better times ahead, and that I can weather this storm and come out stronger and more appreciative for my mobility, wellness, and support network.

2009 has been quite the year, hasn't it?

Last week I began work on my family's annual holiday letter (some might call it a novella - it can has been known to exceed 6 pages!). It is always an interesting exercise to sit down and reflect on the past year, and compare last year's letter to this year's. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure that this year will win hands-down in the "biggest changes and milestones" category!

I was trying to figure out how to neatly post our letter here - it had photos, and I spent a fair amount of time messing around with desktop publishing software to make it look pretty - but ran into too many roadblocks. So... I'll give a recap, as most of what was in the letter is stuff that those of you who read the blog would already know, but some is from the "pre-Tyla" era and might be news to you.

For example, in addition to becoming new moms, we did some work on our yard and house, visited with family and friends, and did a bit of camping over the summer. In fact, we were camping with my family in Drumheller when we got "the call" that our first visit with Tyla had been arranged (the next day!).

We also celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on October 9 – time flies when you’re having fun, I guess!

Auntie Erin & Jake in Drumheller

Our niece, Brynn - always at the height of fashion!

Auntie Lisa & Brynn, tuckered out after a hard day renovating the trailer.

Lisa (Mom)
Lisa is still working at Vecima Networks, and she’s just been promoted to a Team Leader position in the surface-mount technology (SMT) department. Her employer offered staff the option of moving to a 4-day work week this past year, which is a nice perk – even if she does work overtime nearly every Friday. Lisa was able to enjoy a few short daytrips on her Harley this summer, and really enjoyed riding it to work most days. Now she’s started working on getting me to ride so we can go on the road together!

Erin (Mama)
I finally completed my Master’s degree in April (it was a long six years, especially for Lisa!), and was thrilled to accept a 1-year term faculty position beginning July 1. Lisa and my Mom were able to come to Regina to cheer as I crossed the stage to get my diploma, which was such a great moment. I taught my first university class (Contemporary Social Welfare Policy – sounds thrilling, eh?) at the College in Swift Current during spring term, and am teaching two field practice courses this term. I'm hopeful that my term with the faculty will be extended, which would be great – I love teaching, and feel so privileged to have a job that I enjoy so much. Now I just have to start convincing Lisa that it’s time to start my PhD!

Tyla
Tyla keeps busy with school, soccer, and hanging out with her new cousins (and grandma and grandpa, of course). She’s getting used to living in a city as she lived in a small town before she moved to Saskatoon. She loves to ride her bike, so really enjoyed the warm fall we had. She’s also a fan of dress up, spray parks, and entertaining mom and mama with her stories and rock star impersonations, listening to Beyonce, Pink, and Dolly Parton, and playing with her “brothers” and “sister” (our cats Buddy, Parker, and Missy).

As always, I am grateful for your friendship and support, and thankful you’ve taken the time to read up on our antics. I hope you have a happy holiday and a wonderful New Year!

Ok... it's been a long time.

Here's the bullet-point version of an update from our family, in no particular order:

• The biggest news: Two weeks ago, Tyla started calling us "Mom" (Lisa) and "Mommy" (me) AND telling us she loves us ALL IN THE SAME DAY. It was awesome - and funny - because she couldn't stop saying it, and would tell anyone who would listen (servers, salespeople, strangers in the mall) that she "loves her two moms".

• My name has been amended to "Mama", which Tyla thought might "fit me better". She's trying it out for a while - "because she can".
• It snowed. Briefly. Tyla loved it, and made snow angels in about 2 cm of snow. By the end of it, they were mud angels.

• Soccer is going well, but I'm still not really enjoying being a coach. In typical Erin fashion, I don't usually enjoy things that I don't feel really good at (okay, perfect at), and coaching soccer is one of those things.
• We went glow bowling last night. It was fun, and Tyla was fascinated with the blacklights - there was a constant flow of questions about how everything glowed, and why it glowed, and if it would still glow when we went home, and if it made people bowl better, and whether other bowling alleys glowed like this, and if other people had seen the glowing before...

• We've had a bout of head lice at our house. Not fun. Right now, Tyla is playing with her stuffed animals and is pretending to comb the lice out of their hair. Before that, they all had to be shampooed to get the bugs out. Too funny.
• We hosted our first play date, which was interesting. There was lots of dress up - mostly rock stars - and a climactic ending (read: two 6-year-olds not speaking).

• Tyla has discovered a love of cooking. One morning she proudly helped us make bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast. She's a real pro at cracking eggs now, and barely cracks any outside the bowl. This afternoon we're going to make banana chocolate chip muffins, and she's very curious about how the "rotten" bananas can make good muffins. She also likes to clean on occasion (and would likely do so more often if it was for money!).

• School is going well, too. We made a crazy hat for "Wacky Hat Day". Tyla had a part in the Remembrance Day assembly, but unfortunately neither of us could be there because we were at work. Her line was, "Peace is playing with my friends", and she was very proud that she said it perfectly. She's only been to the principal's office once so far. She's starting to read, and gets giddy when she figures out a word. Last night when we were reading together she kept exclaiming, "How did I figure that out? That's CRAZY!" every time she got a word right.

• I picked up my thesis from the printer this week (yay, grad school is officially done!). When Lisa explained to Tyla that Mama had written a book, she was fascinated. When she actually looked at my "book", she thought it looked pretty boring... until she saw the "pictures" (my thesis has a couple of models in it). However, she figured that it must be a hassle for me to always look through hundreds of pages to find the pictures (which she decided must be "very important"), so she took it upon herself to draw the main model with brightly coloured crayon for me - complete with big words (dehumanizing, self, society, supports). She said it I should stick it up in my office so that I don't have to search through my book so much. Everyone at work thought that was just about the cutest thing ever.
• Tyla had a good Halloween. We carved pumpkins with Auntie Jo & Jake. She was a pirate for her school party, and then was 2 different princesses when we went out trick or treating. Since then, she's proven that she can be pretty stealth when it comes to sneaking into the cupboards in the wee hours of the morning to get candy. The other day, she'd consumed an entire package of Hubba Bubba before I got up at 7am - and I didn't hear a thing! Needless to say, the candy has been moved to progressively more remote hiding places... but she seems quite committed to finding it, no matter where we stash it. Hiding Christmas presents ought to be interesting...

That's about it for now. We're looking forward to the next few weeks, as it will bring lots of new experiences and interesting moments!