The little things...

It's funny how the reality of being a mother creeps up on me sometimes. Even though our transition to motherhood happened very slowly in some ways (over 7 years from start to "finish"), it also happened very quickly (less than 2 months from the day we were match with Tyla to when she moved in with us) in others. That said, the fact that I am now a real, live, stressed out, sleep deprived, nervous mom has been slow to sink in.

This weekend, I found myself taking note of the things that are different in our lives now (I bought a "mom calendar" - never would have done that before). For example, before we became moms, we could quite contentedly sleep in a little bit on weekends, then sit around all morning in our PJ's, drinking coffee and watching reruns of lame 90's sitcoms. Now, we sit around for a bit in our PJ's, drinking coffee (usually cold by the time it's consumed - now I understand why my mom's always reheating her coffee!) and watching really strange "modern" cartoons, colouring pictures of Lightning McQueen, and reminding our daughter to eat her breakfast.


This part of the day does not last long. We are quickly whisked into "high-speed mom mode": making lunch (Didn't we just eat breakfast? Can't we go back to eating brunch at 1:00pm on weekends?), doing laundry (the favourite pyjamas, must-have leggings, and cutest t-shirt must be available for school, of course!), buying groceries... with lots of snacks (we should buy stock in whichever company makes Goldfish Crackers, as well as a cucumber farm), organizing sports schedules, and supervising room cleanings.

Tyla starts school tomorrow. I think that when I walk into the school with Tyla tomorrow morning the reality of my new parental role will really begin to hit me. You see, Tyla will be starting Grade 1 in the same school (cousin) Jake has attended for the past several years... the same school where I've wept through holiday concerts, sporting events, special assemblies, and family BBQs. When my yearning to be a mother was at its peak, just setting foot in the place was guaranteed to get the waterworks going. I would sit there, imagining what it would be like to cheer on my own child, or beam with pride as my kid came on stage, and it would bring me to tears (not just the misty-eyed variety, but serious weeping).

I'm sure there will be a few tears tomorrow (for me, probably not Tyla). In many ways, I had come to believe that the day I would take my own child to school would never come. And now, here it is. Tomorrow, I will probably be the mom in the corner attempting to stifle a sob. But through all the tears, I will be a MOM. Wow.

Fair play

This past week has been a(nother) roller coaster. We've weathered battles over eating dinner, discovered Tyla's love of "going visiting", celebrated her "bonus" birthday with family and friends, and spent countless hours colouring (Tinkerbell is my new speciality), blowing bubbles, and drawing with sidewalk chalk.

The highlight of the week? Tyla's introduction to "The Cars Game" on PlayStation. To set the stage, Tyla's got a strong competitive spirit (to put it lightly), can't quite read, and is pretty convinced she knows a lot about most things. I have always been thoroughly incompetent when it comes to gaming (back in the day, I sucked at Super Mario and would only play Duck Hunt -those of you who are from the Nintendo 64 era will understand what this means), and really, really hate it when I'm not good at something. In fact, being inadequate or unskilled just makes me want to quit or cry. This week, while playing video games with my 6-year-old daughter, I did both.

I have lofty goals of teaching Tyla about sportsmanship, fair play, and trying your best. I hope she will understand that it's not always about winning, excelling, or only doing things you're good at - there's joy and value to be found in stepping outside your comfort zone. However, evidently this utopian vision only applies when I'm not being mocked by a sassy child who loves to taunt me with repeated choruses of, "na na na na na na, I just beat you!". I threw down my controller and gave up... then spent the better part of the week feeling guilty for being such an awful role model and trying to wrap my head around the realization that, in this department, I haven't changed much since I was Tyla's age.

What did I do with this newly gained insight? I decided to bake Tyla's Tinkerbell birthday cake myself - knowing full well that my baking skills were hit and miss and my finishing work was far from perfect. I cobbled together a cake that was a loose interpretation the picture-perfect cake we'd seen at the grocery store, and held my breath when Tyla saw it for the first time. In the pit of my stomach, I feared she'd hate it. I worried that she'd point out all of the ways it didn't look like the grocery store cake. I feared this would be yet another facet of parenting that I was woefully inadequate at (because mastering PlayStation games is an essential parenting skill, you know).

When the cake was revealed to her, Tyla didn't critique it. She didn't gush with excitement, either (that's not really her style). She looked at it, nodded, and said, "It's nice. I like it. I want a piece with green icing."

I'll love you forever...

Today was a really, really great day with lots of firsts. She "accidentally" called me mom (it was the second time she'd done this, but this time she didn't correct herself with a hasty, "I mean... Erin") when we were on the way home from visiting Auntie Bernie & Uncle Tom. She let me cuddle her when she was shivering after her VERY long but VERY fun bath that revolved around improvised tub toys that she thought were fantastic (thank goodness for the recycling bin!). She started saying one of the things I say to her all the time: "Sounds like a plan." She didn't scream when I helped her get out of the tub and saw a bit of flesh. She asked me to read her some stories before bed. One of the stories I read was "I'll Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch (her choice), and cried at the part where the great big boy's mom is old and sick and he sings to her (although less than I'd thought I might).

I've been waiting a very, very long time to fight back the tears when I read that story to my child.

I'll love you forever.

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.

Now if I can only get through "Goodnight Moon"...

I'm so tired I feel like crying sometimes.

The past few days have been challenging. Not that Tyla's been challenging at all, it's just been challenging trying to work through emotional exhaustion, mental exhaustion, what seems like endless rainy weather, and just plain old physical exhaustion. Even in this short amount of time, I feel I can relate to the inclination to completely let yourself go, live in baggy sweats, forego showering, watch Treehouse with reckless abandon, and sustain yourself with the bits left on your child's half-eaten plate. If I were to keep this up for too long, I'm quite certain I'd be a prime candidate for What Not to Wear, The Biggest Loser, & Dr. Phil all at the same time (I might be already, but now I'm REALLY feeling it).

We've done lots of things - gone to 3 different parks, gone swimming in the "pond", met new people & pets, picked vegetables from our garden, watered flowers, planned her garden plot, learned about composting, went on bike rides, played games, created games, organized toys, tried to figure out what makes the cats tick, watched movies, tried new foods, read stories, created stories, played dress up, had long baths (Tyla, not me... unfortunately), learned about Dorothy (Tyla's little sister/doll, who was also adopted last week, we were informed), listened to Beyonce & Pink & Alvin and the Chipmunks (plus a little Dolly Parton & Johnny Cash, thank god) on her new mp3 player, worked on her numerous "collections" of leaves, twigs, flowers, feathers, grasses, etc., laughed lots, worked through the lonelies, and figured out what to do when it rains for 2 days straight.

We also found the cord for the camera (a highlight for sure)! Here are pictures of some of our adventures so far:

It's official!

We're moms (or Mom (Erin) & Mommy (Lisa), according to Tyla - although she doesn't call us by these titles yet, she's informed us of her plans ;-)!!! Tyla has officially been placed with us, which means that her adoption is as official as it can be at this point. Today was a great day... and we can't wait for many, many more!

Tomorrow is the big day!

Even though tomorrow is the official placement day, today was a pretty big day, too. Tyla & I hung out all day, and it was weird... but good weird. I felt noticeably mom-ish.

We went to the park and had a picnic lunch, then went swimming (in the "pond" as Tyla likes to call the paddling pool at Kinsmen Park), played on the play structure, and got some groceries. At the park, there were several instances of other parents referring to "your daughter" or kids commenting to Tyla about "your mom". Other than my flushed cheeks and eyes welling up, it didn't seem as awkward a moment as I'd thought it might. It was good. Really, really good.

As I sat back on the grass and watched Tyla go down the water slide (I was on babysitting duty for Dorothy, Tyla's doll - who is her "little sister" who is also being adopted right now... they're a package deal), it hit me that finally I wasn't there with my niece, nephew, friend's child, or some other kid. I was there with OUR kid! (Tyla proudly refers to herself as "your kid" as in, "If I get sick you'll just have to tell your boss that you have to go home because your kid is sick".) Wow.

I did take a few pics today - mostly of Tyla trying out her new stash of glittery, pink, princessy dress up clothes (thanks to the Anderson & Andreas families - a great gift!), but can't seem to find the cord for the camera to upload them.

And so it begins... my organized yet chaotic life has been thrown for a very big loop!

She's here...

It's nearly midnight. Right now, I am downstairs on the couch playing Farkle while the other 2/3 of our family snores away upstairs.

Upstairs... which has changed dramatically since 6:00 this evening. Upstairs... where there's a sign on a door that emphatically states "Tyla's Room", with a precocious looking Tinkerbell on it. Upstairs... where I listen for every little sound, wondering if she's doing okay so far, if she's having nightmares, if she's really sleeping at all. Upstairs... where our new life is.

Tonight was different. Tyla was different, and so were we. We all knew that this wasn't a sleepover, it was something more. When she arrived, her foster parents brought in all of her clothes and toys, so there is nothing more to move in. She's here. For good.

Tonight, Tyla was more reserved, withdrawn, edgy. I was, too. I disappeared to the kitchen to make her something for supper, which she didn't eat. Thank the goddess for Lisa's ability to just play and make things fun - cut through all the anxiety and tension and get to the fun stuff. I, of course, was more worried about unpacking and organizing and list-making. Where should this go? What makes the most sense? Where does she want things put? What do we need? When should we start building an addition?

By bedtime, we had found some sort of balance amid all the chaos and weirdness. We played Chutes & Ladders (her favourite game), then watched all of 10 minutes of Coraline before she fell asleep in her chair.

Here's hoping we continue to find that elusive balance as we continue meandering through this journey. With 2 social workers coming to visit in the morning, that will definitely be a challenge.

In less than 48 hours, I become a mom.

Talking on the phone with a 5 (now 6) year old is interesting. We've been lucky enough to talk with Tyla several times over the past week, hearing all about her birthday party at her foster home, what gifts she got (lots!), and how many sleeps until she moves to Saskatoon (1!). Our conversations were often punctuated with "just a second, I've got to go talk to my brother/find that toy/see where the movie is at/do something", which left us on the other end of the phone, waiting for her to come back. The waiting theme continues...

Tonight, Tyla will be back at our house for a "sleepover" - the first of two consecutive nights that will lead up to her official "placement" with us on Thursday (as long as all goes well and she's ready). It's odd having such a strange progression to becoming a parent. Right now, we don't feel like Tyla's parents (yet) - we're more like neat family friends she likes to hang out with. But, in a few short hours, we will be moms. Her moms.

It's like we're pregnant and Thursday's our due date... but we didn't have nine whole months to try and wrap our heads around the idea of being parents. Lately I've found myself thinking a lot about how much things are going to change for Lisa and I. Like how tonight is the last night it will be "just us". Like how this last week was the last time we'll go to the fair as a childless couple who can get soaking wet, freezing cold, and just shiver our way through endless grown up activities like chuckwagon races and Blue Rodeo concerts. Like how much fun family get togethers will be when we have our own child to photograph, cheer on, feed, and supervise.

I will be off work from tomorrow (Wednesday) until Tyla starts school full time on September 1. I can't wait to be a full time parent, even if it is only for a few weeks. The Martha in me has been kicked into high gear, so I'm looking forward to baking, crafting, many adventures, and one fabulous "bonus" birthday party.

This week I become a mom. Am I excited? Yes. Am I ready? No. Am I hyperventilating as I write this? You bet.

Getting Caught Up...

Many people reading this will know all about our journey to become parents, but in case you don't know the whole story I thought I'd start there.

Lisa & I met in 2001, when I was trying my hand at being single. After a rocky start, we started dating just before Christmas that year. It didn't take us long to start talking about having kids, and by the following summer I was trying to get pregnant. The whole pregnancy thing was quite the ride - thanks to some wonderful friends, we tried known donor insemination, we tried working with the fertility clinic, then with another doctor. A couple of times, we were certain I was pregnant. Bottom line is, it just wasn't happening for us.

Skip ahead to the summer of 2007. I was at a community event when I got a call from a friend about a social worker in another community who was working with a woman who was pregnant but not likely to be able to parent. She was wondering if we'd be interested in adopting the baby. After considering it for about a second, we said yes and jumped into the land of adoption without really knowing what we were in for.

That adoption didn't pan out, but it did get us talking about other options for having a family. That July, we applied to adopt through our local social services office. We were told there would be a wait - probably a long one. In August, 2008, we received a letter saying we'd been released for our home study. We were excited. We weren't getting any younger, you know!

We met with our adoption worker, we took 9 weeks of parenting classes (a program called PRIDE, ironically), we deliberated about the type of child we wanted (in adoption lingo, our "range of acceptance", which includes age, gender, and culture along with every possible issue, behaviour, health condition, history you could imagine) and we waited. Our home study report was completed on March 6, 2009. We waited some more.

On June 15 we got THE CALL. We'd been matched with a 5-year-old girl. We went into the social services office to review her profile, and it seemed she was perfect for us. She likes playing dress up, swimming, fishing, camping, and joking around. She loves movies. She liked school, and did well in Kindergarten. She's not a picky eater. She's healthy and developing well. And, if all those things didn't "get" us, she's absolutely adorable.

Her name is Tyla.

We wanted to meet her. Right away.

We waited some more.

On July 24, we finally got to meet Tyla at a park in Regina. We were nervous. What if she ran away screaming when she saw us? What if she didn't like the idea of having 2 moms? What if her foster parents didn't like us?

Well, all of our fears were unfounded. We met Tyla, her foster parents, and her worker, and it went better than we ever could have imagined. She loves playgrounds, so showed us around her favourite play structures (she likes slides and climbing on things, but isn't so fond of swings) and then got us involved in some very elaborate games she'd created. She seemed to have fun, especially when she created a "hotel" where we each had our own room - she was the manager and would bring us room service, pyjamas, slippers, and let us stay up as late as we wanted to! She loves to collect leaves, sticks, feathers, and the like, so we came home with piles of souvenirs from our first meeting, as well as our very first family picture:

Since then, we've met with Tyla as much as we can. We've spent a lot of time at playgrounds, which she loves. She's told Lisa & I that she's going to "get us into shape". I hope she's right!

We've done lots of exploring, and collecting, and playing. We can't wait to do more, more, more.

We had our first sleepover, which was a grand success. We played Chutes & Ladders, hung out with the cats, and watched the movie Cars, which is her current favourite (she always cracks up at Tow Mater!). By the end of the movie, she had moved from her own chair to snuggle in between Lisa and I on the couch. At that moment, my "mom heart" dropped into my chest. It was amazing. In the morning, we all went to the Park Cafe for her first breakfast (of many) at our favourite weekend brunch joint. She's my perfect fruit cup companion - all of the things I don't eat in my brunch fruit cup (cataloupe? honeydew? gross!), she loved and polished off gladly. It was heaven.

This week we haven't seen Tyla at all. We miss her. Last night she called and left us a message to say goodnight. I cried.

Her birthday is this weekend, and we can't get down to see her or be at the party her foster family is having. We've promised that, when she comes to live with us, we'll have a second birthday party and it will be fabulous. She seemed okay with that - I think most kids are okay with having two birthday parties!

She's coming back to see us next week - there will be more sleepovers and then, if we're all ready, she will move in near the end of the week.

A week from now, we will be parents. My stomach just flipped as I wrote that.